


Without Breaking Eggs

by ApplePieThatsFrickingWorthIt



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben is more of a realist, Brendon Urie is mentioned because why not, Brotherly Bonding, Cooking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Food Poisoning, Good Brother Klaus Hargreeves, Klaus is kinda overdramatic but honestly what a mood, Mention of Canonical Past Character Death, Mentions of addiction, Number Five can't cook, Past Drug Addiction, Police Officer Diego Hargreeves, Sick Klaus Hargreeves, So is Mary Berry, Sober Klaus Hargreeves, Supportive Klaus Hargreeves, The Hargreeves boys helping Number Five adapt to domestic life, apocalypse averted AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 09:16:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20580110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApplePieThatsFrickingWorthIt/pseuds/ApplePieThatsFrickingWorthIt
Summary: After the apocalypse was averted the Hargreeves siblings must tried and adapt to domestic life again. This comes easier to some than it does others. Number Five sets out to find a new hobby in cooking but there is just one problem - he is terrible at it. This however doesn't stop Klaus, and to an extent Diego, from cheering him on as taste testers.Just a random headcanon that turned into hurt/comfort and the Hargreeves siblings supporting each other in their own unique ways.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where this cooking headcanon came from but here it is. I hope you enjoy, and that the characterisation is okay. I find Five really tricky to crack when writing but really wanted to give him a shot in this. It will be split inot two chapters, first for Diego and Klaus, Second Ben and Klaus and Klaus and Five.
> 
> If you would like to, a comment or kudos would make my day. Thanks so much for reading, hope you have a lovely day xxx

It had been a long day at the police academy, a very long day. Doing things by the book was tedious and at this rate probably going to give him carpal tunnel syndrome. But it was worth it, it’s what she would have wanted. That didn’t mean it wasn’t tough sometimes, being there - without her. But he was determined to do it right, make her proud. The almost apocalypse had put a different perspective on things, offering up a fresh start.

Diego was just about to finally take the weight off of his feet, ready to sink into the sofa, when he had to catch himself at the last second as Klaus let out a startled cry at almost being crushed.

“Jesus! Klaus what the hell?” Diego cried in surprise as he noticed his brother, uncharacteristically quiet. 

“What? It’s a free country, I can lie here.” Klaus grumbled from his spot, curled in on himself like a cat. Diego sighed.

“I guess.” He threw himself carelessly into a nearby chair with a sigh of relief.

“Long day?” Klaus’s voice sounded slightly strained, causing Diego to crack open an eye to stare him down with curiosity.

“Yeah, you?” Klaus’s shoulder twitched in a shrug. 

“Oh you know, chatting to ghosts, babysitting Five, staying sober, the usual.” Klaus seemed distracted as he spoke.

“Where is Five?” Diego asked, glancing around the room as though their brother could be hiding behind the table. 

“Kitchen.” 

“Oh?” Diego sounded surprised.

“He has found a new hobby.” 

“That’s good”

They had been trying to find things to occupy Number Five’s time now that the apocalypse had been averted, but so far all efforts had been met with little success.

“Yeah...well, kinda.” Diego frowned at Klaus’s grimaced words. “He has taken up cooking.” Klaus’s face turned a little green at the word. Come to think of it, he had been a bit off colour ever since Diego came home.

“No Michelin stars I gather?” Diego said, a slight smirk on his lips. 

“Oh I don’t know, if you discount the taste and texture and smell and aftertaste it really isn’t all that bad.” 

“You ate it?” 

“I’m being supportive!” Klaus defended his actions. “He’s been struggling he needs- ugh.” A hand pressed to his mouth suddenly mid sentence. His whole body tensing as he swallowed thickly. Diego couldn’t help but chuckle a little. 

“You okay there buddy?” 

“Yeah, yeah, just...my stomach’s being less supportive.” Klaus winced against his lighthearted tone as he curled in on himself. 

“It that bad?” Diego asked, raising his eyebrows.

“I’ve spent 10 years dumpster diving, and boy, baby it’s bad.” Klaus said and Diego grimaced. 

“Oh Christ on a cracker.” Klaus moaned, curling in tighter around his middle. He caught Diego watching him with mild concern. “I’m fine! Dumpster diving remember, I’m fine.” He said but he didn’t sound very convincing, the quiver in his voice giving him away.

“Klaus! I’ve made desser- oh Diego, you’re home.” Number Five’s sudden arrival had Klaus scrambling upright in a poor attempt to look natural. 

“Hi.” Diego said, awkward. 

“I was just coming to say I’ve made dessert. I have been practicing my cooking.” He addressed Diego. “I would offer you some stew but Klaus ate it all.”

“You ate it all?” Diego raised an eyebrow at Klaus.

“Mm-hm” Klaus nodded, looking sickly. “So good, and gotta support the family business huh.” Klaus muttered and Diego couldn’t help but smirk at his brother’s well meaning idiocy.

“I’ve made a cheesecake, it’s having a little trouble setting but I thought you would want some Klaus.” Five said. Diego suddenly understood Klaus’s predicament; the kid (well, old man) was impossible to say no to like this; so innocent and bright eyed. But Klaus was well and truly green now, looking as though he didn’t dare open his mouth for fear of what would come out.

“I think a whole pot of stew is probably more than enough for Klaus for today.” Diego put in, much to Klaus’s relief. 

“Oh. Of course.” The fall in Number Five’s voice was too heartbreaking to take.

“I haven’t had dessert yet though.” Diego found himself saying before he could stop himself. Five lit up again. 

“I’ll be five minutes.” He said, vanishing suddenly in a flash of blue light. 

“You do realise what you just signed yourself on to yeah?” Klaus asked, immediately curling back in on himself now that they were alone again.

“Yeah.” Diego sighed. “Yeah but hey, you say this is helping him adjust.” Klaus nodded wearily, “Well then it’s worth it. Still can’t believe you ate the whole pot though.” Klaus sighed.

“I don’t know I just figured if that was the only thing keeping him sane I should keep him busy. The little guy’s been pretty good at slapping me around the face when I’m struggling to control myself so...” he shrugged. “What was the worst that could come from it.”

“Food poisoning, apparently.” Diego pointed out.

“Touché.” 

“Speaking of, are you...doing okay?” Diego asked after a second. 

“Honestly? My stomach’s killing me, I’m starting to wonder if the little bastard has done this on purpose as payback for my hollaback girl performances.” 

“No that’s not - wait hollaback girl?”

“Yeah baby, me and Ben were practicing our routine.” 

“Okay, disturbing, but no, I meant are you doing okay with the whole sober thing.” 

“Oh. Oh yeah, yeah you know me.” Klaus brushed him off casually.

“I do. That’s why I’m asking.” 

Klaus sighed.

“One day at a time and all that jazz you know? The ghosts are louder but Ben’s helping a bit and it helps to be distracted - even if that distraction is being poisoned by your own brother.” Diego chuckled a little at that.

“Okay well...if you ever need any help with any of it, I’m here for you okay? I know we weren’t before, I wish I could take those years back I do, but I’m here now, no judgements, I just want to help.” His own sincerity surprised him just as much as it did Klaus.

“Thanks Di, never knew you cared.” He chuckled but there was a nervousness to it, neither man knew if he was entirely joking.

“Well, I do, even if you are an asshole half the time.” 

“Ah, there’s the brother I know.” Klaus teased and Diego smiled. 

“Bon Apettie” Number Five appeared in a flash, holding out a plate with a huge slice of cheesecake balanced upon it. 

“Oh, wow.” Diego froze. The consistency looked all kinds of wrong and the colour...a sort of off grey. He caught Klaus fail to hide a gag out of the corner of his eye. “Thanks Five.” He picked up the fork and hesitated a moment, preparing himself. Number Five looked on expectantly.

“Mmm...delicious.” Diego said, holding the bite in his mouth for a second as he tried to remember how to swallow. Number Five’s face went from nervous anticipation to a smug smile. 

“There is more if you want some.” He said but Diego shook his head, swallowing forcefully. 

“Oh, no I couldn’t, got to stay in shape and all. It’s great though.” He said, tentatively taking another bite. 

“You are welcome. I’m going to search through Mom’s old cook books, call me if anything happens.” He said, vanishing just as quickly as he had arrived. As soon as he was gone Diego shoved the plate aside, reaching for a vase their father had brought home from his travels and spitting his mouth full into it. Klaus chuckled. 

“Better out than in.” 

“Jesus!” Diego exclaimed, grimacing. 

“Yeah, tell me about it.” 

“My god, maybe he really is trying to kill us.” Klaus chuckled. 

“See! No, Ben we aren’t being cruel you don’t understand.” Klaus suddenly began to address their dead brother. Even after all this time it was a habit Diego still wasn’t used to. 

“No, I’m not being dramatic! I think he has poisoned me!” 

“Yeah to be fair Ben, Klaus is right, I’m amazed he survived.” Diego pointed out, talking openly to the room.

“See!” Klaus paused to listen. “I know, I know but you saw him! How can i crush him like that!” 

“What’s Ben saying?” Diego asked and Klaus sighed. 

“He says if it’s really that bad we need to be honest with him before he gets hurt.” Diego sighed.

“He may have a point.” 

“Fine, you go crush our little brother, see how that goes, I’m just gonna go remind Luther he is an awful leader and dad sent him to the moon for no reason.” Klaus said sarcastically. 

“...You have literally said that to Luther, three days ago to be exact. So have I.” Diego pointed out.

“Huh, so I did, well Luther deserves it, Five doesn’t. Trust me, he is going through a tough time and any knock could knock him right off the wagon. All it takes sometimes is one bad day.” 

“What’s the alternative? Let him cook for us every day? Slowly poisoning us to death.” 

“Ugh I don’t know!” Klaus huffed, pouting like a child. “God I’m way too sick for this.” He groaned dramatically. Diego smiled, rolling his eyes fondly. 

“I’m sorry, you still feel rough?” 

“Uh is Brendan Urie still hot?” Diego frowned. 

“Huh?” Klaus sighed. 

“Yes Diego, I still feel like death - no offence Ben.” 

“Maybe you should head to bed huh? I’m sure you will feel better tomorrow.” 

“Ugh, fine.” Klaus agreed uncharacteristically quickly as he slowly began to pull himself up from the sofa. Stopping to catch his breath a moment, he turned back to Diego. 

“Di...be gentle with him, when you tell him.” He said, suddenly soft and sincere. 

“Sure Klaus, don’t worry, I’ll take care of it, just get some rest.” Klaus gave a lazy wave as he staggered from the room. Diego moved quickly across to occupy the sofa his brother had just vacated, laying back and beginning to ponder just how to break the news to Five, preferably in a way that wouldn’t get him murdered. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five and Klaus have a heart to heart. Also if you haven't seen the Great British Bake Off then Klaus is disappointed.

“Huh?” Klaus blinked his eyes back into focus at the sound of his brothers voice, his brain struggling to catch up. Ben sighed. 

“I said it’s three am.” He repeated.

“Oh. So?” Three am to Klaus had been your average Joe’s midday for years. 

“So, you should go to bed Klaus, it’s been almost an hour since you threw up, you’ll be fine.” Klaus grimaced at the memory, curling in on himself. He shivered a little, the bathroom titles had originally felt so good against his flushed skin. 

“Five more minutes.” 

Ben sighed, rolling his eyes. 

“I just...I’m so darn tired.” 

“Hence going to bed.” Ben pointed out. Klaus shook his head softly.

“Still don’t feel good, can’t get up.” He really did look pathetic, curled up on the tiles. His skin greyish in the light, all sharp angles and scrawny limbs. 

“Try all you like, you aren’t getting my sympathy, you brought this on yourself.” 

“I was being kind!”

“Just like we were all being ‘kind’ by pretending not to notice your drug habit?” Klaus rolled over a little to stare at his dead brother. 

“That is a totally different situation and you know it.” There was a grit to his tone that surprised even himself. 

“Not as extreme maybe, but it is still just setting him up for failure, for more pain down the line. Pretending he can cook isn’t a bandaid you can just throw on the apocalypse.”

“Remind me Ben, when exactly did you get that degree in psychology.” Klaus snapped, an awkward silence hung for a second before Klaus huffed. “Look, I know that okay? But letting him feel like he is accomplishing something, something he can be proud about can’t hurt right?”

“I don’t think a lack of pride has ever been an issue for Five.” Ben pointed out and Klaus cracked a small smile. 

“I mean true, but you take my point. If it distracts him and makes him feel good it's worth the poisoning.” 

Ben sighed, “I feel like we are just going round in circles.” 

“You started it.” Klaus shrugged. 

“Klaus.” The voice startled them both. “I figured it would be you, what are you doing on the floor?” Number Five had appeared almost silently. 

“Five! What are you doing up?” Klaus asked, plastering a fake smile on his face. 

“I’m 58 Klaus, I sleep when I want to.” 

“Fair point, well made.” Klaus nodded wearily as Five folded his arms. 

“You still haven’t answered my question.” 

“Hey I don’t suppose you have had a chat with Diego tonight?” Five frowned at the sudden change of subject. 

“He’s been asleep on the sofa most of the evening.” 

“Of course he has, damn it.” Klaus muttered to himself. 

“You’re acting strange.” Five narrowed his eyes. 

“Me?” Klaus gestured to himself as if he was unsure. “Well, I hate to break it to you, my dear brother, but that is rather on brand it, is it not?” 

“More so than usual, what have you done Klaus?” Klaus squirmed uncomfortably under his brother’s stare that seemed to burn right through him. 

“Done? I haven’t done anything! I just, you know, needed to pee and decided the floor looked so lovely and cool I would sleep here.” 

“It’s not hot tonight.” Five pointed out. 

“It isn’t? Umm…” Klaus was running out of ideas. The two ghosts wandering around behind his brother weren’t helping, the steady drip of brain fluid from the sizable hole in the older man’s skull was particularly off putting, making Klaus’s still sensitive stomach turn. He found himself gagging slightly against his hand with a groan. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Five moved closer now, and the ghosts seemed to hone in one him further. 

“Klaus!” They called out to him. 

“Me?”

“Yes, you. You’ve gone green.” 

“Oh, I...I guess I just, you know, ate something that...disagreed with me. You know me, sensitive system.” 

“I watched you eat a donut out of a dumpster literally last week.” 

“Exactly! I’m an idiot, that will be it.” Five still didn’t seem convinced. “And...and well, there is a particularly gross old dude hanging around behind you.” Klaus admitted. The bit of honesty seeming to convince him for a moment. 

“You’re not high then?” Five mused and Klaus scowled. 

“No!” He sounded defensive.

“Hey, I’m just going through the possibilities.” Klaus sighed,

“Fine, guess that’s fair.” He grumbled. “But no, I’m painfully sober. And if this interrogation is quite over I think it’s time for bed.” He said as he slowly began to pull himself off the floor, clearly taking much more effort than it should have done. 

“Klaus, you know if the stew was this bad, you really didn’t have to eat it.” Klaus froze, a deer in the headlights. 

“How-”

“I may be a bad cook, but i’m not an idiot Klaus.” 

“Oh.” 

“Why the hell didn’t you just tell me?” Five had that look on his face, the one where Klaus really could see the man’s real age. 

“I...I didn’t want to hurt you.” Klaus looked at his feet awkwardly.

“I lived through an apocalypse Klaus, you really think I’m that easily wounded?” 

Klaus shrugged. “Yeah, kinda? You were having fun being normal for once, I didn’t want to crush that. I know how rare that feeling can be.” Five shifted slightly, suddenly uncomfortable. 

“Oh.” He relaxed slightly, his shoulders slumping.

“Yeah. But if I was wrong, I’m sorry.” Klaus sighed, making his move to leave. 

“Klaus.” Five spoke up suddenly, looking back up at his brother. “Thank you.” Klaus blinked, confused. 

“What for?” 

“I don’t know...caring?” Five shrugged. “Cause it was good, I enjoyed making it even if it was inedible.”

“It wasn’t totally inedible.” 

“It should have been.” Klaus chuckled.

“Okay yeah.” 

“But I’m going to keep cooking, because I enjoy it. And honestly, I’ve not enjoyed anything for a long time.” Klaus smiled.

  
“Good, and honestly, I don’t mind taste testing, i’m sure you’ll get better.” 

“Okay, as long as you’re honest this time, no more food poisoning.” There was a softness to his voice that Klaus wasn’t sure he had really heard before, almost playful. 

“Of course, I shall channel my inner Mary Berry!” Five frowned. 

“Who?” 

“Who?! Mary Berry! Beloved long time judge of the Great British Bake Off!” Five still looked blank. “Okay this is ridiculous you can’t cook and not watch Bake off! Right, tomorrow you and me are watching it.” Five rolled his eyes, but smiled. 

“Okay, it’s a deal, I’ll watch your cooking show with you and promise not to poison you again? Yeah?” Klaus shook his hand dramatically.

“Deal.” 

“Good. Right, now I actually do need to use the bathroom so…” Five, breaking out of the uncomfortably sentimental conversation with an awkward shift. 

“Oh, sure, sorry.” Klaus moved past Five, ruffling the shorter man’s hair. “Night Kiddo.” Five glared at him and Klaus grinned. “Hey, I thought I earned that one!” 

“Goodnight Klaus.” Five sighed, closing the door before his brother could see the sentimental smile creep onto his face again, just for a second. 

It was the little things that reminded Five of why he fought so hard for his family back, and sometimes those things surprised him. But silly little moments like this, he remembered what he had fought for all those years. They might not have the most conventional family in the world, but Number Five wouldn’t trade it for the world.


End file.
